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Topic starter : Saturday, January 30, 2010 (7:49 pm)
Today has been an emotional day for me that made me wanted to post again something that I wrote few months back then.
Maybe as a reminder.
Or just for hmm.. I don't know.
A way for others to remember me after I'm gone.
I had planned to print this one and give it to each member of my family to let them know how I felt but as always.. my laziness got in a way so I didn't do it.
So I want to send the message to the air again with hope that somehow someway someday.. finally gets to the ones I want them to read.
*yeah yeaahh.. I know.. it's lots easier to just show them the message or give them the link of this post.. but.. that's not the way I am :p*
(tipe yang suka menyusahkan diri sendiri)
Soo.. my familyy..
I hope one dayy.. you might read this one..
Taken from :
From time to time, a question always popped in my head, the very same question which I still couldn’t answer.
That question is :
“If I lost all my belongings, would I still be the same Indah as before?“
Mm.. some people might think I think too much of the unnecessary, huahahaha :p
But I don’t know.. guess that since this question keep popping in my head once in a while from time to time so I guess this might be an important one for me :)
I wish I could say confidently that I could and I would still be the same Indah as before.
Cause in a way I don’t want to be too attached with things I have now.
Even if I lost all my belongings, that shouldn’t have changed the very core of me for my identity shouldn’t be based on my possessions.
But.. I’m not there yet, I guess, that is why this question just come and go anytime it pleased, ahahaha :p
But lately the “I don’t know” answer has changed a bit into a “might be”, hey heyy.. it’s a progress, isn’t it? :p
What makes it change?
That is because I finally realized something I oftentime forget to remember.
It’s about.. my family :)
All these times I guess I was somewhat detached from my own family.
I kept my distance and didn’t let myself totally involve in any emotional roller-coaster journeys in my life with them.
I only got one heart and I needed to protect it.
Looked like I was “enjoying” my detachements for too much, up to the point where I somewhat felt numb.
And something inside of me demanded a change.
I felt sick of feeling nothing.
I wanted to feel my emotions.
But since I was totally lost and didn’t know any right direction to go that I came to the totally opposite journey of my life.
If I were once so very detached, later on I got too emotionally attached, wakakakakak..
Too attached up to the point where I just absorbed any (negative) emotions of them.
I lost control of myself and there were times when I even felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore for those emotions really brought me down, so very down that it made me so hard to breathe.
There are times when I even regret my decision to open up my heart to feel, wakakakakak.. cause, maaannn.. those negative emotions are soo painful and hurtful (oohh waitt.. those two words have the same meaning, right?! ahahahaa.. that how much it hurts, so double pains then :p) *sigh*
But I guess it’s true..
There’s always always something “good” even in a bad bad situation.
That very low downs had finally opened up my eyes that heyy.. no matter what’s gonna happen in the future, as long as I have them in my life, I know that I’m gonna be just fine.
I can’t say that my family is a picture perfect image of an ideal family should be for even with my own idealism standard, I feel like we’re still far away from it, ahahaha..
But the thing is..
Although we aren’t as unite as I wish us to be, I can say for sure that apparantly we’re not as divide as I thought we were, hehehe :p
And boyy.. how glad I am of that!!
And now, I guess.. for the first time in my life I can finally say that I’m proud to be a part of my familyy..
For the 1st time?
Yeaaahh.. *ashamed mode is on ;p*
Because I never felt this way before, I guess because of so many disappointments and the ruined images of my ideal picture perfect of a family had totallyy gotten in a way for me to see things clearly and to put aside all those bitter emotions and start counting my blessings, hehehe..
You know whatt..
Guess that all of us having troubles in expressing our emotions.
We support each other.. silentlyy..
I mean, we never say directly to each other how much we love one another and how much we care.
We always say it to another person in the family, ahahaha :p
But that feeling of knowing that someone actually care for you.. is a very good feeling that might get you through some hardships in your life :)
I’ve realized it since long that I wasn’t a verbal person, huehehehe..
I meann.. I talked much through my writings (read me and you’ll get to know me better than you meet me :p) but when it comes to the mouthh.. ugghh.. I’m having such a hard time to talk about my feelings, ahahahaha..
When I pushed myself to say it anywayy.. usually those words would blurt out in random order even I myself who said it, wouldn’t totally understand what I was talking about, wakakakakak :p
And I don’t know whyy..
Maybe because my mouth is pretty much controlled by my brain (nngg.. shouldn’t it control all parts of the body?! Ahahaha :p) but I guess since I still can’t make a balance between my heart and my mind, oftentimes when I’m ready to say something I don’t really feel.. my mouth just can’t spill out those words, ahahaha :p
And when I finally burst out those words.. well.. since I had this overloaded heart, so much things came out at the same time, ahahahaha..
And usuallyy.. I don’t even remember what I’m talking about, ahahahaha.. maybe because during those emotional moments, my brain somewhat soo busy in telling my heart to stop bursting out that my ears forget to do their job to listen to my own voices, hihihi..
Mamii and Papii.. I just want to say that I’m proud to be your daughter.
Danny, Priscilla & Dave (not their real names though, ahahaha, I’m used not using real names when it comes to my family, don’t know why, ahahaha :p).. I’m proud to be your sister.
Of all these years we’ve been going through together in this life..
I finally came to realize that God never had any mistakes.
(Well.. I know it all the way but never really reallyy realized the meaning of what I know)
He put us together as family and He sure has His own reasons, reasons that sometimes I just don’t understand no matter how much I try to understand them.
But one thing I know for sure now..
He has placed me to be in this family to help me grow.
All those tears, all those pains.. all those laughters, all those happy moments.. aren’t for nothing.
Little by little they happened to shape me into a better person bit by bit with every second of my passing life.
God.. I don’t know how much longer my time with them but I can only hope that the remaining time I’ll have with them would be something that’s worthwhile, long after I’m gone.
Please help me, God, help me be the kind of daugther and sister they can be proud of :)
I thank you, God, for the family You have given me.
This is probably the first time I ever say it that comes from the heart, hehehe..
I used to say it to make my heart believe it (but oftentimes failed anywayy, ahahaha :p).
Mamii.. Papii.. my brothers and sister.. let’s bring this family into the right directions of overall happiness!!
God bless you all..
Happyy early Wednesdayy!! ^o^
Tuhan.. I thank You again for giving me my family although we're still having such bumpy roads sometimes.. but somehow I know.. it's for the best..
Always keep them in Your loving arms, Tuhan..
And help them understand that I love each and everyone of them although I might not say that out loud too often as I should be.
Thank You for hearing my prayers.
I understand now that there might be time that You would just stay in silent.
But I finally realize that You always listen ;)
Topic ended : Saturday, January 30, 2010 (8:04 pm)
the soul traveller