~when everything seems like it's falling apart, that's when God is putting things together just the way He wants it~ (unknown)

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Soo NOT Ready To Have Children.. Yet..

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Topic starter : Minggu, 31 Januari 2010 (2:19 pm)

Huaa.. kejadian siang ini kembali menyadarkan gua akan sesuatu.

Gua belon siap punya anak :D

Ya ya yaa.. ini sebenernya ngga perlu terlalu dikuatirkan karena toh jalan menuju ke arah sana juga belon terlalu terbuka, ahahahaa :p

Tapii.. tetep ajaa..

Ntahlaahh.. saat ini mungkin sisi introvert gua masih dalam kadar tinggi, padahal yang gua hadapi itu adalah keponakan2 yang udah rada gede jadi udah ngga terlalu ribet ngurusnya, in a wayy..

Tapii.. ngeliat mereka dengan energi berlebihan jingkrak2an di kasur gua sambil tertawa2 dengan keras, oohh maann.. I soo want and I soo need my peace, away from those noises!

Baru gua menyadari jadi orangtua itu emang ngga gampang yaa, ahahaha..

Terutama untuk orang idealis seperti gua, ahahaha.. like it or not, disadari apa ngga, kayanya dalam otak gua itu udah tertanam soo many things dalam kondisi yang ideal, ntah siapa yang menanamkan and ntah bagaimana those "images" ada di dalam sana.

But they are theree.. and seringkali those "ideal" pictures just don't seem to match with reality, hikss.. yang bikin gua oftentimes wondering.. which one is wrong?

Apakah ada yang salah dengan realitas yang ada? Ataukah gua yang terlalu banyak "bermimpi" untuk tetap percaya bahwa apa yang ada dalam benak gua masih mungkin terwujud?

It's not easy.. so not easy to have your picture perfect being ruined.

It's like smashing a mirror into the wall and have it broken into millions pieces.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic about certain things, I know.

But I can't help it, I never intendedly form those images in my head for they are just there.

I don't know who put those pictures inside my head.

And I still don't know whether I should collect all those pieces and put them back together again in one piece or should I just replace it with a more realistic one?


What is happiness anyway?

Can you tell me what it is?

Oftentimes I ask myself about that but I don't know how to answer that question.

Have I lied to myself for saying that I don't know?

I might have known but to answer that simple question might be a confirmation of things that I so much want to believe it's not true.

I know.

I should be able to detach myself emotionally with others at some point.

Who am I to say whether they are happy or not?

Who am I to dare say about that?!

We all have our own "definition" about what happiness is.

It'd be much easier if I can just close my eyes and pretend I don't see things.

Yupp.. it would be much easier that way.

But I have eyes to see.

And I can't just pretend I don't see.

God.. why am I so emotional today?

I don't know what has gotten into me these past few days.

I've got this heavy head since Friday afternoon and that heaviness just kept coming and go as it pleased.

Have I left You out in this picture perfect thingy, God?

I know You're the one and only who could mend all the broken pieces perfectly and make it whole again.

I know I can't do this on my own, God..

I can't..

So, help me, God..

I'm still broken because of that ruined image.

When all those "perfect" images I once had in mind just shattered..

Maybe that is why I never be able to answer what is happiness.. cause here in this world, happiness seem so very out of reach.

I know that what happened to them might not be happening to me.

I know that I can have a different kind of life like they have.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that I can have one differently, God, why?

Have I not trust You enough that You sure is can change lots of things?

Have I relied too much of my own powers to survive, God?

What do You want me to do, God?

I'm tired.

Please say something to me, in a language I can understand, God.

Topic ended : January 31, 2010 (3:21 pm)

the soul traveller

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